Dearest Husband (a rant)

Now, don’t get me wrong, I do love Not Just Rosie’s Dad. He’s the only man for me, tru luv, beloved husband etc. 

However. 

There are some things I wish to the Gods I could never again hear him say, because frankly they make me rage and when I’m trying to be all Zen it’s very much Not Good. (PS I’m sure he has a similar list but he doesn’t blog so you’re stuck with my side.) (PPS. There may or may not be some heavy sarcasm to follow.) (PPPS This may or may not be brought to you with the aid of Cursed Female Hormone.)

Dearest husband. Please stop saying the following: 

1.”It’s your turn!” When someone has shit themselves/woken in the night/lost their serenity in Asda. 
Mate. No. It’s my fucking turn all week while you’re away working. You aren’t here Monday to Friday. ALL WEEKEND IS YOUR TURN. 
2. “Which kid do you want to put to bed?” 

Neither. See above about how I do it all week and now it’s your turn. I don’t want to put any kids to bed; I want to sit here and eat Doritos and watch The Goldbergs. 

3. “I’ve washed the pots for you!” 
I’m sorry – What? Do you not eat? Did we at some point sign a document to say that pots belonged solely to me and only I had the responsibility of washing them? No? Then you haven’t washed them for me. You’ve just washed them. 

4. “What do you want me to do next?” (When we are cleaning up) 

USE THE EYEBALLS IN YOUR HEAD AND CLEAN UP THE MESS THAT IS CLEARLY HIGHLY VISIBLE. 

5. “Why is Patrick crying?” 

Oh, hang on, let me just use my baby cry translator. Oh wait! I actually don’t have one. I use make an educated guess and use trial and error, something that any full grown and competent adult (and yes, that includes you) is capable of doing. We are equal parents; I am not the default. 

Being the wonderful wife that I am, I’ve included a handy list of things to say instead: 

1. I appreciate that you do this all week, so I’ll do it all weekend, oh wonderful wife. 

2. Here are some flowers for you to admire and chocolate to eat while I put the kids to bed. When I return I will massage your feet and we’ll watch whatever you want. 

3. I’ve washed the pots and cleaned the kitchen and taken the bins out and I don’t need my head patting because I’m a capable human male and this is Very Basic Stuff. 

4. Go out my love, have a pamper session and be sure to call into the pub for a drink at some point. I know exactly what to do here, what to clean up, because I can see it with my actual eyeballs. 

5. Don’t worry sweet wife, I will work diligently to find out why Patrick is crying and I will soothe him appropriately. Your input is not required. Relax.

…………

I mean, surely that’s not too much to ask? …is it?