Tomorrow, I’ll be 37 weeks pregnant. I’ll be officially full term, a status that I never thought I’d achieve after my only other pregnancy experience came to an abrupt finish at 34 weeks.
And, I can honestly say that this feels somewhat more emotional than I naively expected. I expected to feel happy, and relieved, but I did not expect to feel a tinge of sadness for the weeks I missed last time.
It feels like madness to think that by this stage I already had a three week old baby, that we’d been at home a week already, halfway through paternity leave and in the first full flush of new parenthood.
This time, this extra time (or so it seems), feels so bizarre and wonderful that I don’t want it to end. Yes, I feel enormous, yes, I can’t sleep, and yes, I have to pee approximately every eight minutes, but it’s glorious.
I am constantly in awe of what my body has achieved, is still achieving, and I find myself unable to keep my hands or my mind off my growing bump – what do you look like in there baby? Are you a boy or a girl? Will you have Daddy’s blue eyes eventually, or my brown ones? Will you have curls like your sister?
I feel both excited to finally meet you and yet simultaneously hysterical about it – I have no idea how to be a mother to two children, how on earth am I supposed to balance the needs of two very different people?
All I know right now is that I love that you are still in there, still hiccuping and still kicking my ribs, more importantly still growing and still packing on all that vital fat and still finishing off the finer points of your development – all of the things you’ll need to make your early life so much easier and less of a struggle than your sister’s.
Call me crazy but I don’t want to share you just yet. I want to go the full 42, I want to glare at people who don’t let me sit down on the bus, I want to be able to post a status asking people to stop asking me if I’ve had you yet, I want to waddle everywhere instead of walking, I want it and I want it all. The full pregnancy experience. It is such a fleeting time, really, the time in which you are only mine and we are bonded by blood.
And so I appreciate and enjoy every day of whatever remains of this pregnancy. Every extra pregnant day is like a blessing, and the further I get from that 34 week milestone the more relaxed and excited I become. Part of me will probably always miss and mourn for that 6 weeks I lost the first time, but already, even on the eve of 37 weeks, this feels like healing.